This is the first in a series of six articles
that we hope will be helpful in guiding you, the reader, in your decisions about
what might be driving a childÂ’s behavior.
This issue is one that is packed with questions both from parents and
teachers as well. There are so many different layers involved in the subject
that we felt it would be best to begin with a series that would address the more
clinical aspects of the question. In this way, you, the reader will have more
information with which to make decisions about whether a formal evaluation of
your child might be called for.
Shaindy’s son Mendy was sent home again from yeshiva today. “I didn’t do
anything!” he protested. The melamed’s version was different, however.
“He was insolent. He was clowning around, disrupting the class again. And
then he got into a fight with one of the younger boys over whose turn it was to
have the ball – and he hit the kid. The boy’s parents called me; their son came
home with bruises. What should I have done with him?”
Mendy, age 7, was in tears when confronted by his father about his teacherÂ’s
words that night. “That kid starts with me all the time,” he complained. “He
slaps me on the back, he laughs at me. He makes faces at me.” Mendy didn’t
deny the talking; he had realized it was a problem and said heÂ’d been trying to
stop but just could not seem to control himself. But, he added, “The clowning
around is fun – it makes the kids laugh. Besides, sometimes the melamed does
really stupid things.”
When the two parents met with the principal and the teacher the next day,
they discovered there was more information that the teacher had not shared
because he “didn’t want to bother them with small things.” Mendy could not pay
attention to anything for more than a few minutes at a time. Or he was paying
attention to everything, except the task at hand. Neither could he stick with
any class work for any length of time.
He had problems with keeping his things organized; his parents knew his
school bag was a mess and that he never seemed to know what his homework was, or
said he didnÂ’t have any. But they didnÂ’t know that he had lost half his
schoolbooks and often sat in class without the necessary materials to
participate. So he would stare out the window, teased other kids or raised his
hand to respond to a question he really could not answer. The other kids would
laugh, he would clown around and the teacher was left feeling that Mendy had
made a fool of him.
He misunderstood his classmatesÂ’ actions. A kid would slap him on the back
as a friendly gesture and Mendy would think he was hitting him in anger. It
hurt, after all. A kid would make faces at him, and instead of realizing the boy
was including him in a joke, he thought he was the target of the fun. In fact,
Mendy rarely “got the joke.”
But everyone realized he was a good kid. He had a heart of gold, would lend
anyone anything they asked for, would comfort any classmate who cried and would
stick up for his friends if they were being bullied by another kid. He was
always sorry when he realized he had done something wrong; the problem was he
often did not know that what he had done was indeed wrong.
All four adults were frustrated, unhappy and stumped about what to do about
Mendy. The little boy was unhappy too. He knew he was different and hated
it.
David, age 9, was similar in some ways, but drastically different in others.
For one thing, no matter how pleasant his teacher or parents tried to be David
always made it difficult to ask him to do something. His first response was
always “No!” or “Why doesn’t so-and-so do it?”
The arguments were endless.
“David, please put your reading book away. It’s time for math.” No answer
and the book remained on DavidÂ’s desk. It wasnÂ’t that he didnÂ’t hear the
teacherÂ’s instructions, or that he couldnÂ’t do it. It wasnÂ’t even that he didnÂ’t
like math. He just wouldn’t comply – at least when he was first asked to do so.
After a few minutes, when the teacher or parent gave up, he usually ended up
doing what was asked of him anyway. The few times he didnÂ’t, however, he would
get angry and blatantly refuse, sometimes with a good reason and often without.
Then there was Shalom, and if ever there was a boy whose name belied his
nature, it was this 14-year-old teenager.
He was a bully, shaking down the kids in the younger classes for their pocket
change and threatening them if they refused to give it up. He cut classes,
periodically robbed the charity boxes – but never when anyone was around, so he
could not be caught in the act and charged with the crime, though everyone knew
who was behind the thefts.
Shalom smoked. He lied and had no remorse about how his behavior affected
other people, whether they were friends, teachers, parents or siblings. Very
little seemed to bother him, in fact; he did whatever he wanted to do, whenever
and however he pleased. He seemed to have no conscience at all.
There was no way to control Shalom and at the end, there was no way to teach
him, because he only attended the classes he enjoyed, which werenÂ’t many. One
of the teachers tried to reach out to this budding juvenile delinquent, but to
no avail.
Eventually Shalom dropped out of high school. His family, shamed and broken
by his behavior, withdrew from the community. His parents blamed each other and
themselves. His brothers and sisters were embarrassed to visit their friendsÂ’
homes, and very few friends were allowed to visit theirs – the parents were
usually worried about the influence Shalom might have on their children, even
though he was rarely home.
Although the entire family was terrorized by his cruelty, they were also
traumatized the night he disappeared. Three days later, his parents got a call
from the police, who said Shalom had been caught in a sting operation and was
sitting in jail. No bail was set and the teen, now a young man, was officially
declared a criminal by the court. When he was convicted and sent to a
corrections facility, his family was privately relieved.
Mendy, David and Shalom all had behavior disorders, though each is
different. Each requires a different type of intervention and it is crucial to
know how to tell them apart. Behavior disorders are not always as clear-cut as
the examples above. It is important to consult a trained, experienced
professional when you are worried about your childÂ’s behavior. Better to have
“wasted” the hour or two on a consultation that reassures you than to avoid
getting help that might help your child and your family and prevent later
heartbreak.