I have the last appointment of the night. I throw down my bags, grab the nail cutter, and furiously get to work. Hurry! I command myself, as jagged nail pieces shoot into the toilet. Cut fast and donât look! But I look; and, as usual, I see them: white crescents of dry skin, peeling edges, cuticles that are frayed and overgrown. Potential chatzitzos everywhere, like weeds. I cut off some skinâbut the skin becomes uneven where I cut it, and I must cut again. When I do, the same thing happens; I cut again. And again and again, each time seeing something new. Before I know it, forty-five minutes have gone by.
I have found hundreds of bugs in lettuce, dozens blood spots on eggs. Surely if Hashem put them in front of me, He wanted me to remove them. Could there be any other reason? What do you want from me, Hashem?
Suddenly I remember that with each cut, I am delaying the mikvah lady in going home to her family. I grimace in self-hatred, commanding myself to go faster: Skip it! Do just the minimum! You are so lateâlook at you! Cut! Cut again! Next nail now; come on!
The doorbell rings. Itâs the mikvah lady, telling me itâs fifteen minutes till closing. I panicâI havenât even showered or bathed. âAre you almost done?â she asks. Cowed, in terror and humiliation, I stammer, âUm, not quite.â
Oh G-d, what do you want from me?!
âI wish I could helpâ
That was the story of my mikvah preparation for many years. Diagnosed with severe, treatment-resistant obsessive-compulsive disorderâa brain disorder causing excessive worry about minute details, in which routine activities become painfully difficultâand having received numerous treatments to little avail, I was routinely crippled by aspects of Yiddishkeit requiring careful attention and inspection, such as checking vegetables and cleaning for Pesach. Many of these challenges were possible to circumvent, whether by buying pre-checked lettuce or heading off to Pesach programs. One, however, was not: chafifa, which came anew every month like an unwelcome guestâone who was critical, terrifying and unforgiving.
I was overwhelmed by mikvah preparation to the point of dread. At home, my chafifa routinely took 18 to 20 agonizing hours.
When I prepared at the mikvah, the pressure meant that I could usually complete chafifa in three or four hoursâmuch better, but still vexing to the mikvah ladies, who would scramble to balance my situation with their own schedules and needs. My shame at inconveniencing them made the difficulty infinitely worse: hiding in embarrassment, not wanting to show my face at the same mikvah twice, I would drive to a different mikvah every month, sometimes for hours, as my husband, a tzaddik, waited for me, feeding our children and managing our home. This went on for months and years.
Many mikvah ladies offered to help me, and did indeed help in ways both small and large. Some gave prodigiously of their time and patience, occasionally staying at mikvah with me till the middle of the night. I will never forget their kindness. Their extraordinary care for another Yid is a testament to the exceptional merit of mikvah attendants and of the Jewish woman. And, when attendant after attendant said âI wish I could help you,â it was clear they truly meant it.
The Angel
But then, through the amazing resources of Mikvah.org, I was connected with Mrs. Sara Bluming. Saraleâthe shlucha of a bustling Chabad center, a seasoned mikvah attendant, and a kallah teacherâhad taken on a special shlichus to help others who struggle with mental health challenges. As hashgacha would have it, I lived near the mikvah she ran.
Sarale offered to be âmyâ mikvah lady, helping me in every way to complete my chafifa and tevila each month. Month after month on my mikvah night, Sarale and I would text back and forth as I struggled to get out of the house; then, she would wait for me in the early morning hours to complete my chafifa so she could watch me toivel. It was an act of incomparable mesiras nefesh. Sarale made clear that I no longer needed to feel embarrassed, saying that helping me was a privilege, not a burden. For me, it felt like my angel had arrived.
Streamlining Chafifa
One day, Sarale had the idea to call a Rov. She had learned of a particular Chabad rabbi, Rabbi Kasimov, with expertise and sensitivity in mikvah and OCD. The goal? To find a better way for me to prepare. It was not the first time I had spoken to a rov about this issue. But this would be different: both Sarale and my husband would be on the call; I would have ample opportunity to get my questions answered; and, based on the rovâs advice, a special mikvah routine would be developed which I would follow with Saraleâs direct assistance every month.
When the day came, we spoke to Rabbi Kasimov, who gently clarified what was actually necessary for chafifa under these circumstances, as well as how to accomplish it with a minimum of agony. Under Rabbi Kasimovâs direction, Sarale and I developed a chafifa routine that was minimalistic yet halachically complete, including all necessary steps and no others. It was a routine you could truly do and be done with, with no fuss.
When it was time to prepare for mikvah, Sarale came into the preparation room with me, guiding me through the new, streamlined routineâcoaching me, supporting me, and helping me keep moving. She reminded me, when I thought I saw or felt something, that all that was necessary was to follow Rabbi Kasimovâs instructions; besides, if anything important remained, it would certainly come off in the final shower and be noticed in the last check. Performing the steps for the required time was essential; not âfeeling perfect,â nor obliterating any and all perceived anomalies. As she prepared alongside me for many months, Sarale gradually convinced me that whatever standard would allow me to complete chafifa on time and with simcha and ahavaâor as close as possible on that dayâwas the highest possible standard, the mehadrin min hamehadrin for me.
Of Freedom and Free Downloads
Seeing the success of our new system, and inspired by the concept of âbody doublingââan assistive tool for ADHD and OCD in which real-time audio guidance is used to take the listener through the steps of everyday processes, such as cleaning the house and getting ready for bedâI decided to create a recorded version of the preparation routine we had developed.
In the recording, a voice explains exactly what to do, one task at a time, with breaks between instructions to complete each task. When the time to complete one step has ended, the next step is announced, proceeding one by one from the first gestures through the bath, shower, and final check. The pace is not rushed. Occasional words of guidance and affirmation keep the listener on track, and gentle music creates an ambiance of relaxed focus.
The recordingâs routine is based on the specific guidance of Rabbi Kasimov and suggestions offered in The Taharas Hamishpacha Workbook and Ohel Sarah: A Womanâs Guide. It is well-defined, eliminating categories like âoptional,â âoptimal,â and ârecommendedâ in favor of clear and transparent guidelines. It follows an order for preparation which streamlines the process and minimizes opportunities to get hung up.
Steps are expressed in terms of how to do them and for how long, rather than in terms of end goals (âcomb out all knots,â âremove all traces of makeupâ) or standards of attainment (âclean,â âfree of hairsâ) which may create unnecessary pressure and exaggerate the halacha.
When I started using the audio recording in my preparation, I was stunned to find I could prepare almost as efficiently as I did with Sarale in the room. For the first time ever, I was able to complete mikvah preparation by myself in around 75 minutes, and I continued to do so for months. When faced with the desire to stray from the instructions, I would tell myself that this recording was my lifeline, and I needed to hold on tightly lest I fall. In this way, I was able to overcome my yearsâ-long struggle with chafifa, and prepare for mikvah in what is in fact the way the Torah expects and envisions.
Realizing how much this tool had helped me with my mikvah preparation, Sarale and I collaborated to make the recording available to the public. We hoped that other struggling women could benefit as much as I had. I tested and refined the recording several times, and Rabbi Kasimov reviewed the final script, confirming it represented a halachically appropriate chafifa for women with OCD and related hardships. We shared the updated version of the recording with Mikvah.org, who published it on their OCD mini-site, mikvah.org/ocd. There, in addition to a free download of the recording, users can find enlightening guides and affirmations; a helpful podcast; and resources from therapists, rabbonim, and community activists who have done valuable work on this topic. A Hebrew version of the recording is also available on the Mikvah.org OCD mini site.
Never Alone
I share my personal mikvah story because I know I am not alone in this challenge. There are thousands of women who struggle silently and painfully with chafifa. I want them to know it doesnât have to be this way: Halacha is kind, and Hashem does not want us to suffer. There is help available, and sensitive rabbonim who care and understand. It is my hope that this set of tools will help other OCD sufferers prepare for mikvah with less stress and more joy. I hope it will remind them, too, that just as I am not alone, neither are they.
Even without an OCD diagnosis, many of us may feel anxious and overwhelmed as we scrutinize our messy selves under a close lens, in the bright light of our desire to serve G-d to the maximum. And, while a shaila should be asked about how to perform chafifa in non-clinical cases, it is clear that each of us must find a way to prepare bâsimcha rather than in anguish, and without ever mutilating our bodies or our spirits.
Through the Ice
Our holy grandmothers would break through ice to immerse in the frigid lake. Today, some of us must break through a more inscrutable obstacle: the resistance of our minds. We must use our tools and the strength we are given to shatter the pathological compulsions and pernicious thoughts that come between us and the holiness of mikvah.
Though psychological obstacles to holiness have always existed, modern awareness of this challenge has brought forth the opportunity to address it in a new way. We hope the resources we have introduced will equip women to âbreak the iceâ with confidence and dignity, now as in days of old.
With love and support,
A fellow OCD sufferer