I think we can all agree that in our world today, in the free world
certainly, there is an intimacy crisis. We have a problem with intimacy.
WeÂ’re afraid of intimacy, yet we agonize over the lack of it. What
better indication of this than our use of euphemisms to describe what
should be very intimate relationships.
It used to be that "dating" described intimate relationships. But we
donÂ’t call it "dating" anymore. That sounds too much like something out
of a geology class. "I am dating Lucy."
So then it became "going
out." Remember when people used to go out? Again, that was often used to
describe an intimate relationship. Everybody was "going out."
The
ultimate euphemism is the one in vogue today. Today, intimate
relationships are "seeing someone." ItÂ’s part of casual conversation:
"Are you seeing anyone?" "IÂ’m seeing someoneÂ…" One of these days,
somebodyÂ’s going to say to me, "IÂ’m seeing a very, very nice woman," and
IÂ’m going to say, "Can I see her too?"
Why the euphemisms?
Probably because if you identify the relationship as an attachment, if
you consider this a commitment, if you think of this as an investment of
yourself in a relationship and then the relationship ends, it will hurt
too much. You will have to say to yourself, "This relationship fell
apart." And thatÂ’s too painful, so instead, what you say is, "Oh, IÂ’m
seeing someone." Should this not work out – "Okay, so I’m not seeing
him." It sounds a lot less painful. So we put this buffer, this safety
coating around our relationship to keep a distance, to prevent it from
becoming too painfully intimate.
Now obviously, intimacy implies
vulnerability. If youÂ’re going to be intimate, youÂ’re going to allow
people to see parts of yourself that youÂ’d rather not have people see.
YouÂ’re going to allow someone into that part of your existence, into
that part of your mind and heart that you yourself are not exactly
comfortable with. And you donÂ’t know how the other person is going to
treat it. And you donÂ’t know how itÂ’s going to feel to have someone else
scrutinize that part of you that youÂ’re a bit ashamed of. But that is
the whole meaning of a relationship.
The whole idea of a
relationship is that we stop being alone. And the only way you stop
being alone is if all of you, particularly that part of your self that
youÂ’re sensitive about, is no longer alone. If you can share that with
another person, you have ended your loneliness. As long as that part of
you is still alone, then youÂ’re alone. Intimacy is supposed to be the
antidote to loneliness, and I think it would be safe to say that with
all of our social skills and with all of our partying, we are basically a
lonely people.
Intimacy means that you become attached. You
become joined. You belong together. There are difficulties. There is
embarrassment. But itÂ’s a shared embarrassment. Whatever happens after
that connection takes place, itÂ’s shared. It brings you closer together,
not further apart. Intimacy means loyalty. Loyalty to an identity. If
we run away from the identity, then weÂ’re ruining the relationship.
WeÂ’re undoing what is most precious to us.
If we abandon that
sense of identification, the next thing that begins to suffer is our
sexuality. For most human beings, at some stage in life, sexuality
cannot and will not exist without intimacy. Rarely do you find a human
being who prefers to separate the two. Certainly a sensitive human being
cannot separate them.
Sexuality, properly understood, is
connected to intimacy. Intimacy means that you put aside this fear of
exposure, that you overcome this resistance to being known, and you
allow a person into that part of your life that is maybe not so
comfortable. Then maybe you have entered into an intimacy. When a man
and woman are together in a room, and the door closes, that is a sexual
event. Not because of whatÂ’s going to happen, but what already happened.
When a man and woman are together, alone in room, in privacy, that is a
sexual event. It may not be something to make novels out of, but it is a
sexual occurrence, because male and female is what sexuality used to be
all about. What happened is that in putting up these defenses, in
getting steeled, inured, against the constant exposure and stimulation
of men and women constantly sharing all sorts of activities –
co-educational school, camps, gyms – that we have to start blocking out
groups of people. We canÂ’t be as naturally sexual as G-d created us to
be. When a man says, "I have a woman friend, but weÂ’re just friends,
nothing more, IÂ’m not attracted to her in any sexual way, sheÂ’s just not
my type," youÂ’ve got to ask yourself what is wrong here. Is this guy
really together? Is this a disciplined person? Or is this a person who
has died a little bit? A little death.
What does he mean, "sheÂ’s
not my type?" When did all this typing come into existence? ItÂ’s all
artificial. It is not true to human sexuality. And it really isnÂ’t even
true in this particular context because given a slight change of
circumstance, you could very easily be attracted. After all, you are a
male, sheÂ’s a female. How many times does a relationship begin that is
casual, neighborly, and then suddenly becomes intimate? The great
awakening of this boy and girl who are running around, doing all sorts
of things, sharing all sorts of activities, and lo and behold, they
realize – what drama, what drama – that they are attracted to each
other. These are grown-ups, intelligent human beings, and it caught them
by surprise. ItÂ’s kind of silly.
So closing a door should be
recognized as a sexual event. And you need to ask yourself: Are you
prepared for this? Is it permissible? Is it proper? If not, leave the
door open. Should men and women shake hands? Should it be seen as an
intimate gesture? Should any physical contact that is friendly be
considered intimate? Hopefully, it should.
Now modesty is not
meant to prevent sin. It never has prevented sin. There are people who
dress very modestly. They cover everything. They sin. ItÂ’s a little more
cumbersome but they manage. Modesty is not meant to prevent sin. It
preserves sexuality – because human sexuality is what G-d wants. So He
gives us laws of modesty to preserve it, to enhance it, not to stifle.
And if we are callous about it – even in marriage, a kiss on the run
cheapens it, makes it callous – then we run to the therapist for advice.
And do you know what the therapist who charges $200 an hour for his
advice says? He tells the couple not to touch each other for two weeks.
Judaism tells you that free of charge. Yes, there are two weeks each
month during which a husband and wife donÂ’t touch. This therapy has been
around for 3000 years. And it still works. ItÂ’s a wonderful idea. When
you donÂ’t close the door, you are recognizing your own sexuality. You
are acknowledging the sexuality of the other person.
Being
modest, recognizing our borders, knowing where intimacy begins and not
waiting until it is so intimate that weÂ’re too far gone, is a very
healthy way of living. So treat yourself with modesty. It enhances your
life. It doesnÂ’t change your lifestyle dramatically, but enhances it
dramatically, and we come away more capable of relaxing, better able to
be spontaneous, because we know that we can trust ourselves. WeÂ’ve
defined our borders. Now you can be free. ItÂ’s taken a load off your
conscience and it makes you a much more lovable person.