Marriage is for growth. By its very nature your marriage will continuously
give you opportunities to develop your character. The more challenging oneÂ’s
marriage, the greater the growth possibilities.
The mitzvah (commandment) to develop our character is a
mitzvah to walk in the ways of our Creator. Viewing events and
situations in this light will elevate the mundane, for in the ultimate view of
life nothing is mundane. Every moment presents its unique, once in a lifetime,
opportunity. By acting and reacting in ways that are kind, compassionate,
understanding and sensitive, you emulate the Creator and bring the
Shechinah (Divine Presence) into your home. No accomplishment could be
greater.
Many people tend to speak of marriage as if it were the same for
everyone, rather than the unique experience it is for anyone who is married.
Since every individual is different from any other individual who ever was or
ever will be, every marriage partnership is inevitably one of a kind. Marriages
range from being a source of great joy to being the source of much pain.
Children can be a parentÂ’s greatest source of nachas (pride and
joy) or the greatest source of pain. In ideal situations children can bring a
husband and wife closer together. Parents have a common lifeÂ’s goal of raising
children to serve Hashem. Both mother and father love their children and work in
harmony to teach and train, to inspire and encourage, to nourish and support.
Even if parents disagree about specific details, they both respect the positive
intentions of the other.
But children can be a source of stress, and the focal point of strife and
dissension. They can be the topic of arguments and quarrels, and the victims of
power struggles. If parents donÂ’t get along, children are likely to
suffer.View your children as the greatest gift your Creator has given you
and the greatest responsibility as well. You have an obligation – for the
spiritual and emotional welfare of your children – to treat their other parent
with respect. Every time you speak to your spouse in front of your children you
are teaching them lessons about marriage, about putting Torah ideals into
practice, about ways of communicating, about middos (character traits),
about who their parents are, and ultimately about themselves.
Be careful not to take out your frustrations with your spouse on your
children. Part of growing from your marriage is growing from raising your
children. Your children will test you in many ways. They will supply you with
innumerable opportunities for personal growth and for developing your
middos. Learn from your mistakes and constantly upgrade the way you
talk and act. Clarify the internal resources and attributes that will help you
interact at your best with your children.
Learn from your own best moments. Remember the times you reacted to
difficult situations with love, patience, compassion and respect. Let these
memories empower you whenever you feel tempted to react with frustration or
anger.
Pray for HashemÂ’s assistance to act wisely when you need to make
difficult choices about a specific course of action in a given situation.
Wife’s version: “My husband is too strict with the children.
He isnÂ’t realistic about his demands and wants them to be perfect angels, all
the time. He has no patience when they misbehave. Also, he punishes them in a
way that is a bit cruel. He learns with our young son much too long for his age
level and refuses to ask anyone about what the proper amount of time would be.
During the Shabbos meal, if a child acts even a little wild, he is sent to his
room for the rest of the meal. I think that a five-minute time-out would be
sufficient to get the point across. My husband feels that most other people
don’t really know the right way to discipline children.”
Husband’s version: “My wife is too lenient with the children
and lets them get away with murder. If they are not taught how to behave when
they are young, they will grow up thinking that improper behavior is all right.
They are able to accomplish much more than my wife thinks. I would be doing them
a disservice if I let them do less than they are really capable of. I look
around and donÂ’t like the way most people are raising their children. I want my
children to be great, not mediocre. I know that I am right and donÂ’t want anyone
to give me another opinion”.
Even among the greatest people, there are many different approaches to
disciplining children. Shlomo HaMelech (King Solomon)
(Proverbs 22:6) for example, tells us to raise each child according to
his nature. Husbands and wives can easily have different ideas about what is too
strict and what is too lenient. When in doubt, they should consult a recognized
Torah expert on raising children. If either the husband or wife refuses to
consult anyone, this indicates fear of not finding anyone who agrees with him or
her. With minor disagreements, maintain a united front, regardless of whether it
is slightly too strict or slightly too lenient, but if you are afraid that a
major error might be made, speak to a knowledgeable Torah authority about the
best thing to do in your unique situation.
Reproduced from "Marriage: A Wise and Sensitive Guide to Making Any
Marriage Better", by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, with permission of the copyright
holders, ArtScroll/Mesorah Publications, Ltd