By hashgacha pratis (Divine Providence) the deadline for this
article was around the time of the anniversary of my own miscarriage three years
ago. I planned it and wrote and rewrote the article in my head, revising it for
months. As the deadline loomed near, I found that I couldnt write; there was a
barrier: the emotions buried under the surface that I didnt want to release and
feel. I waited until the time of year passed that marked the anniversaries of
the dates I found out the pregnancy wasnt viable, the date the bleeding
started, the date the labor began and I delivered my empty egg sac, the date the
after-birth contractions ended. It wasnt until after that time had passed
that I finally felt ready to unearth the words I had long ago written to assuage
my own feelings along with the pain of others deep emotional wounds.
Healing is an ongoing process. Even when we feel we are finished with our
mourning and our acceptance, there can still be times when we revisit the deep
pains of our loss. Indeed, one of my friends, who has also experienced
miscarriage, said that she was told that women have wells of tears and
sometimes they overflow and that they need to do so. I can certainly attest to
May you never need to know this information, but if you do, may it bring you
comfort or help you comfort a friend.
When G-d created the world, He left some things for us to do in order to
complete creation. Every person in fact, every soulin the world has its own
special mission to do in order to fulfill its purpose in the world and to help
complete it. We do not always know what our mission is; rarely do we know for
sure. Yet, everyone has their own special mission. For some it may be a
dramatic contribution to the world of medicine, such as discovering the cure for
a disease, or a major contribution to the field of education, or an artists
great masterpiece, or a moment of quiet and serenity as someone restores peace
and order to chaos.
For some, their special mission may be relatively undramatic but nevertheless
essential to the interconnectedness of the world. It could be as simple as
passing a tissue to someone in tears, helping someone cross the street,
listening to someone cry, applauding the lecturer who needs recognition, smiling
at someone who has no smiles of their own.
All the special missions are essential for the completion of G-ds plan for
the world. Some special missions take a lifetime to fulfill; some are actually
fulfilled while in utero and the soul need not even enter the physical world.
Our tradition teaches us that not all souls have bodies. Every time a married
couple unites together, they create a soul. Some souls enter the world in a
physical form; others are so pure and righteous that their mission is fulfilled
just by being created or during a short duration in the womb. While in the
Womb, the soul is taught Torah with his/her own special teacher, an angel of
G-d. The womb is a private house of study for special learning. Just before
birth, the soul forgets the Torah learned and endeavors to relearn it after
A soul who completes its mission in utero or soon after birth is a very pure
soul and it is a special merit for the couple that they were chosen to bring
this soul into the world. When our righteous Moshiach comes, these souls will
recognize and reunite with their parents. Even though the parents endure real
pain and loss, it is a blessing to have merited to have such a pure soul within
ones womb for however short or long a time.
But this explanation feels incomplete to me. My husband and I suffered a
loss. Every parent who conceives a child who does not live to be born feels a
tremendous sense of loss and pain and feels a strong sense of something
missing. I miss the pregnancy, I miss the baby, I miss the babys Torah
learning within my womb, I miss the angel, and I miss the cherished dream of
birthing that baby in September and raising him or her lovingly with my
husband. I miss being treated like a pregnant, expectant mother, I miss the
treasured sharing of the expectation with my husband I miss the staff at the
fertility clinic, I miss confiding in my mom and sisters and close friends, I
miss being able to tell everyone that I was pregnant. I miss the baby.
Knowing what I do about Jewish wisdom comforts me and encourages me. I still
feel the pain, I still feel the loss. Yet I know that this was G-ds will. The
little soul who learned Torah within my womb is a special soul and I was blessed
to have that soul within me and how I miss that soul.
Acknowledging someones pain and letting them cry is one of the greatest
gifts a person can give. It helps the missing not hurt as much.
Within a year after my miscarriageindeed, before our original due date- I
became pregnant again. Even though my healing and acceptance had begun well
before I became pregnant again, the hope of a new baby certainly helped heal the
I gave birth very happily and healthfully to a baby boy, whom we named Tuvia,
which means goodness of G-d, or G-d is good. He is named symbolically for my
father and my husbands father, may their memories be for a blessing; also in
honor of several rabbis; and to give appreciation to Hashem for all of His
blessings, and for all the challenges and seeming obstacles on our path towards
the blessings. We are grateful to Hashem not only for the blessings, but also
for the journey. I can let go of the pain of the past as I embrace the future
with love, hope, prayer and thanks.