The problem and confusion today is that people think you get married, for 'this' or for some of 'that'. A little love, a little friendship...No! Marriage is bigger than that. So, if we get this clear in our heads, you don't marry someone because they are cute. You marry because you are supposed to be married, and if you have a choice, marry the cute one, but not because he is cute. You marry for the sake of marriage and you marry the one whi is nicer and easier to get along with. But why are you marrying him? To be married to him.
Can you marry anybody?
Theoretically, you can marry anybody, but, in fact, you will marry the one you are supposed to marry and that is up to G-d to arrange.
Let's look at this: a guy wants to be married for the right reason. What is the right reason? To not be alone, to be connected to another person and become one.
If that is what he is dating you for, because he wants to be married, then if you fit and you get along, you are comfortable with each other, he will marry you.
If he is not thinking marriage, but he is thinking 'this' or 'that' and he dates you, he is thinking: "Yes, you're great, you're fine, everything I have ever wanted, you have".
"Are we getting married?"
"Well, why not?"
"Because, who knows, the next girl I meet may be even better!"
So, what does that tell you? Does he want to be married, or does he want to meet another girl? Does he want to be married, or is he looking for more of 'this' or more of 'that'?
If a guy comes back from a date and says. "She is not my type." Okay, fine! If he comes back from a date and says, "She is a wonderful person, I have no complaints, no criticism. She is everything a person could want, but the next one could be even better, so why should I marry her?"
It might be true, it will always be true. What's wrong with that is he is not going to get married. Are you looking for who is out there, or do you want to get married?
If a person says I met a very nice girl, she is very good, but I want to keep looking, that tells you he is not focused on marriage, he is focused on 'things'.
When you go out three, four, five times and the guy says, "Yes, I want to marry you!", What is he really saying? "I love you"?
He is saying, if I marry you, I can love you. Not, I already love you, but if I am married to you, I could love you. Sometimes you go out with someone and say, "You know, if I was married to him, I would commit suicide!" In other words, I cannot imagine ever loving him, so I am not marrying him. Not, "I already love you and that is why I am marrying you."
If I marry you, I will love you, that is what marriage means. Not, if I love you, I will marry you...but, if I marry you, I will love you.
What should you see in a person before you agree to marry that person. Her's the important thing. You already know that he is a good guy, you already know what he believed in and what he thinks, you know that before you even go out. If you don't, then you find out on the first two dates.
On the first two dates, you do not ask yourself whether you want to marry him, because you barely know him. On the first two dates, all you need to know is, would you enjoy another date, not would you want to marry him.
If you would enjoy another date, so you go out a third time.Would you enjoy spending another hour with him? Then go out a fourth time. After four times, it is possible to know whether you are compatible, whether you can get along, whether you can work together. You can know that.
What is it that tells you that the chemistry is good? If you can sit with him for fifteen minutes and not say anything, and he doesn't say anything, and it's comfortable, that means there is good chemistry. Good chemistry means he makes you comfortable and you make him comfortable. Which means that with him, you don't have to put on a show. That is so good So, he is a nice guy, he is a goo guy, he is a smart guy, he is decent looking and he makes you comfortable, go for it!
Your objective is to be married, so if all of that is there, marry him. You've got a long life ahead of you and you've got to get it started. You want to start a family, you want to be a family, marry him.
Reprinted with permission from Mashpia and Mekabel, a project of 11213.org and Rabbi Manis Friedman For more information please visit itsgoodtoknow.org