What exactly distinguishes a good marriage from a dwindling one?Dr. John Gottman speaks of 4 important things. His rigorous scientific research with couples found that 4 communication styles - The 4 Horsemen - can predict the end of a marriage.
Want your marriage to work? Heres how:
1. Dont criticize:
There is a huge difference between complaining and criticizing. The first addresses a specific action whilst the latter is more global and attacks the character of the person.
Antidote: Gently explain how you feel and what you need. Say I feel, rather than you are. Instead of You are so selfish and never think of me, say, I feel angry when you dont let me know that you will be home late.
2. Dont have contempt:
Contempt is when one spouse looks down on the other, using sarcasm, eye rolling, name calling etc.
Antidote: Nurture fondness and admiration. Appreciate your spouse and remember why you got together in the first place. Develop a sense of we, and make your partner your best friend.
3. Dont be defensive:
Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. Its saying, the problem isnt me, its you e.g. I see youre upset I didnt heat up your supper, but youre always late anyway.
Antidote: Take responsibility. Eat humble pie. Say: Im sorry I didnt heat up the supper, without adding the last part of the sentence. Put your pride aside. Conflict over. Eat and enjoy!
4. Deal effectively with stonewalling:
When conflict reaches high levels, one partner may disengage and stop communicating altogether as a way of self-protection.
Antidote: Self-soothing. Let your partner know that you're feeling flooded and need to take a break. Then spend time doing something relaxing and distracting, like listening to music, exercising, or whatever works for you. Once stress levels are lowered, a constructive conversation can resume.
Its clear that a little common sense mixed with humility, a dash of empathy, a swirl of fondness and admiration and a huge helping of love and friendship, is all it takes. What a meal!
This article first appeared at http://www.greatmikvah.com/