An often asked question, it is one laden with assumptions, misconceptions and truly good intentions.
Behind the question lies the subtle suggestion that a soul mate is that one other person on earth, into whose eyes you gaze and you know with certainty...the scenario ends with riding off happily into an eternal sunset.
But the very term soul mate, is in itself indication that a lifetime of loving your partner is not, and cannot, be the result of a chance or planned encounter which concludes with your being carried off into a forever after of joyous eternity.
For to find ones' soul mate the search must be not for another human being, but rather for their soul, and that search begins with the journey of finding and revealing ones' own soul.
The Kabbalists teach that the soul is the concealed Divine core of man. That which motivates ones' goodness, ones' selflessness, indeed, ones' decency, is the concealed power of the Divine soul. To make contact with ones' soul requires much effort and great humility.
In the Talmud (Tractate Megillah), our Sages comment on the humble nature of G-d, "There where you find His greatness, there you will find His humility". Indeed, from the observers point of view, it would not be difficult to conclude that while the existence of the world and all its' variables and life forms is absolute, the existence of G-d - who we cannot see - is a debatable truth.
Therein lays the ultimate act of humility. G-d intentionally created the world in a manner in which He remains concealed until we, through our performance of mitzvos and study of Torah, reveal the Divine. Created in the image of G-d, corporeal man, too, conceals his essential Divine, by nature of the body concealing the soul; the quest to reveal the Divine core of self and create a vessel into which another can enter and find a home.
To reveal that which is concealed requires work and patience. Patience primarily with oneself, for in the process of this search one will come in contact with layer upon layer of corporeal self. Peeling back some of these layers can be an uncomfortable and sometimes painful process. One must revisit past experiences with a new vision, with Divine vision, through the eyes of the clarity that Torah and its spiritual study provides. This newly obtained lens of humility, the Divine understanding that "ein od milvado"(there is nothing but G-d) provides the ability to restructure the way we have in the past responded to events and external stimuli.
It may feel like much time passes before one achieves even fleeting soul-revealing moments. A journey such as this one, where the desired goal is to access the very Divine nature that drives you and transform the way you have experienced yourself and your existence in the past, is a life altering one.
If this is the journey of ones' own soul search, surely then we cannot expect to reveal our "partnersoul" in a moments' glance or in a fairytale heartbeat.
Having experienced the revelation of the Divine soul, one is now aware that it is only good that G-d bestows upon us and we become fully congnizant that as Divine beings we, too, are here to bestow only goodness upon another.
The search for a soul mate can now begin. Ones' criteria have shifted along with ones' perspectives. Humility now charts the course of our search and a nonjudgmental attitude is the yardstick of our choices.
It is when we find what we seek that we begin the mating of souls -- each revealing deeper levels of goodness in the other and seeing the Divine even when the corporeal seems to take over. Each partner prepares to spend a lifetime of soul-searching whenever the need arises. Whether that be the search into ones' own G-dliness or rising to the challenge of seeing the temporarily obscured G-dliness of our partner.
This is how you find, search for and "refined" your soul mate.