We were so excited to reach that day – college graduation – the world was
awaiting our valuable contributions, our youthful energy and idealism. We were
poised for success as we left the gates of the Ivy League campus.
When the speaker walked to the podium, we were not expecting her solemn and
humbling message that having it all – a successful career and a family – is
nearly impossible to achieve. We might have to give up one dream to achieve the
other. She had risen to the top of the corporate ladder and had missed her
chance to have children.
Who chose this speaker? We all wondered, to ourselves. She is challenging
the foundation of the belief system that we have learned forever. Girls can
also achieve success – I was going to be President one day. Of course we can
balance a career and children. My mother did it, pipes in an only child. So did
my friend’s sister – she has kids and she’s a lawyer. We could cite myriads of
women “having it all.” How could this speaker choose such a boring and morose
topic? We tuned out her speech and felt sorry that she had not managed to
achieve in both realms. The speech was memorable though and we would laugh
about it once a year.
Time passed. I worked hard – many nights nearly around the clock – travelling
to Boston, San Francisco, Chicago, Memphis and Frankfurt; attending trade shows
and analyst conventions, eating fruit for days, for the lack of kosher
restaurants. When in New York I squeezed in time for dating and finally
marriage.
Bliss. Companionship. I had prayed so hard to find a soul mate with whom to
build a family. We had elaborate plans for our yuppie life in ManhattanÂ’s Upper
West Side: dinners out, doorman buildings, and plans to travel together to work
on the subway.
I arrived at work the first day after the wedding-vacation, surprised by the
silence that greeted me – more than half the staff had been laid off, I
discovered - me as well.
Pregnant, I searched for a job and got several rejections, but no offers, due
to my bulging belly. I faced the first real challenge to my core assumptions
that work and family blend together so fluidly without sacrifice.
Then came the kids. I had heard of a book entitled, The Irreducible Needs of
Children by T. Berry Brazelton. How irreducible they are! How exhausting
those first few weeks could be! Pregnancy brought on the condition of pregnesia
– I kept forgetting things, ,never remembering them later, until a friend called
with the news that I left my purse and all of its contents at her house the
night before.
Suddenly, that speech came back to me as I interviewed yet another person to
care for my baby. I think I interviewed 30 women from all over the world with a
variety of child care experience and philosophies. One potential nanny informed
me that the most important idea she would impart to my 10 month-old daughter was
discipline. I decided that only I would respond carefully to her cries.
So I stayed home for a few years until I could once more find my bearings. I
tried a variety of part-time career options. Each time I interviewed countless
nannies from many international locations: Trinidad, Bulgaria, Mexico, Russia
and left with a knot in my stomach. When the paychecks barely covered the extra
household help – in one case turning up about $50 short per week, I wondered –
what am I doing this for? To prove the graduation speaker wrong?
Not only. I still had a buzz inside that pushed me to succeed outside the
home – especially as I tend to struggle with consistency, schedules, cleaning --
the stuff of life with kids that can help to make a successful mommy. After
deciding that I really could tackle the laundry efficiently and have supper
cooked by noon, I got a job offer – marketing consulting part time around the
corner from my daughtersÂ’ school. An added bonus that clinched the deal was the
agreement of a young woman from Israel, the eldest of many siblings, to live in
our house and babysit the kids while I was away. Finally: a situation that could
make senseÂ… I really could have it all!
But there were some big empty spaces: the time the babysitter told me she
threatened the kids by saying she would leave them alone if they did not stop
fighting and the gnawing pressure in my chest every time my boss asked me to
stay late for that key meeting which started two hours late and during which I
did not even get a chance to share my views on the situation and all the while
the babysitter is calling to share the loud shrieking in the background. I plow
through the meeting saying everything is okay and can only continue
half-listening to the next steps on the million dollar project we are launching
next week.
Two years later I gave notice. I had grown to become the director of my
department. I thrived on the intense emergencies, staying up until two oÂ’clock
in the morning working on a key report to meet the clientsÂ’ needs. One night too
many, rushing home, apologizing to the kids for being late, supper on the run
–shlepping the heavy pizza box with spicy fries up the street, 20 minutes after
the babysitter was set to leave. I did not even have a second to cut up any
fresh fruits and vegetables – I was hoping the babysitter would see to that.
For nearly two years – I think I kept the bagel store in business. I was
buying so much coffee -- the message of the graduation speaker haunted me: you
canÂ’t have it all. But I did have it all. Exhausted, but achieving in both
realms. I came to realize that although it felt good when things went right with
the client, I could not relieve the panic when things were not calm at home. I
had conceded that the speaker was right on a certain level. That it is not easy
and that there were certain sacrifices in both realms.
I happened to work for a family-friendly company this time around, with a pay
cut for the flexible schedule and location. I was very respected for having a
family, but did miss out on some of the action. Additionally, there was a choice
I made, three kids later, that try as hard as I might at work, my family is my
priority. I am sure that this did not always feel true to my kids or my husband,
but there was a limit established in my being that had not been present before.
There were pressured moments when I ignored the flashing-light feeling in my
stomach that I needed to go home right away. Sometimes there were consequences
and sometimes the consequence was my fear of there being a consequence.
I shifted yet again, to pursue freelance work from home. Now if we miss the
bus in the morning, I donÂ’t scream and scramble to send out an email, but rather
enjoy the extra minutes with my girls, pack a special snack for them and embrace
the hour or so I will be running late. My husband always watches my relationship
to my work with a quiet distance: one day you will find work that is an outlet
and that fits your schedule, without twisting yourself into a pretzel, says he.
But the speaker was right that “having it all” does not happen automatically and
without costs. In fact, life doesnÂ’t happen automatically.
I hear a different message from that speech these days: be conscious of the
choices we make. Many of them have a lasting impact.