The month of Elul is an auspicious month that precedes the High Holy
days of Rosh Hashono (Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of
Atonement). Children are taught a simple way to understand the significance of
the month Elul from a phrase in Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs)
where each word begins with one letter in the word Elul: Ani Ldodi
Vdodi Li. I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me.
The I refers to us, the Jewish People. Our Beloved is G-d, our King, our
Benefactor, our Protector, Source of all Life and all goodness.
But I am - what? to my Beloved? Implied here is the word devoted, and
not only devoted, but exclusively devoted.
It is not enough to be devoted to G-d as well as to others, G-d forbid. It is
not enough to worship G-d at the same time that we worship secular gods or
idols. G-d requires our EXCLUSIVE devotion. I am (only) to my Beloved
and He is
only to me. So says the very word ELUL.
There are vast lessons to be learned from this about our relationship with
G-d, but on the surface, Shir Hashirim is written as a deeply
passionate love song between husband and wife.
MARRIAGE AS G-D WANTS IT
As a Taharas Hamishpacha (Laws of Family Sanctity) teacher, I must
not only think a lot about what makes marriage work, but I must find the words
to convey to my students the practices and attitudes which will help them. One
thing I have found to be true for all Jewish couples is this:
All the vital gifts available to us through being happily married are
delineated in the Torah. When we live 100% according to the Torah, our marriages
are as deep and as passionate as the love described in Shir
The Torah gives us one vital gift, for example, with the Laws of
Harchaka (separation). These laws, which require a pulling away, are
what enable us to have a reunion. As I told one woman in my Taharas
Hamishpacha class - a long married, Orthodox woman whose marriage was
languishing, You didnt take yourself away, so you have nothing to give
Over the many years of marriage, she had let the precious Laws of
Harchaka slide. By now they were simply gone, not a part of their
lives. As if somehow they didnt need them anymore!
Some young women in my classes protest, Oh, it is so embarrassing to be
keeping the Laws of Harchaka in public. I want to know, WHY? Why is it
any more embarrassing to be recognized as being in one phase, than in another?
As a matter of fact, to me it seems more embarrassing if people know you are in
the other phase, where these laws of separateness are not required.
ARI AND SHOSHI
You have know about these laws since your engagement, or earlier. Maybe they
are no big deal in your eyes. If so, I wish you could have met Ari and Shoshi,
a completely non-religious couple I am friends with in Israel, where I live with
my husband and children.
In Israel, even the most non-religious Jewish women do go to the
mikvah just once before the wedding and Shoshi came to me to learn how
to prepare for the pre-wedding mikvah immersion.
I gave her the information she came for, wished her the best of luck and
thought that would be the end of it. But no, before she left my house, she
leaned forward with a curious little smile. Come on, tell me the truth, what do
you teach THEM? By them she meant the Orthodox girls.
Never one to let an opportunity slip away, I agreed to tell her. We sat for
hours while I explained to her that during the separation phase, the Orthodox
girls would not even hand something directly to their husbands. Their husbands
would not be allowed to smell their perfume or hear them sing. The wives would
be completely modest in front of their husbands, even in private.
Shoshis eyes began to shine. I want to try it that way! she exclaimed,
very excited by my description.
I went to the wedding. After the chuppah, Ari came over to me. Are
you the woman? Somehow I knew just what he meant and said yes. So all this was
your idea? Dont do this, dont do that!? He sighed dreamily. It was the
best wedding present we received. Even though we have known each other for a
very long time, I cannot believe how I feel tonight. Thank you!
Isnt that the way it can be for us, too? Even though we have known each
other for a very long time
Only if we rashly reject the wedding gift G-d gave us, is it different.
Therefore I suggest that when a couple is having any sort of marital problems,
before they look any further, they should become stringent with the Laws of
Harchokos specifically, which tend to slide with the years.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson said in his own words:
When you are close when you should be apart, youll be apart when you should be
It is the distance as described by Halacha (Jewish Law) which
creates the reunion as described in Shir Hashirim.